Pseudologia fantastica

There's a lot to be said about semantics. When someone says “Karma is going to get you”, I could read the implications any number of ways. Aside from the obvious undertones of self-righteous condemnation, what springs to mind is John Lennon, but alas, I was never much of a fan, nor impressed by his love-in in Amsterdam, especially after learning few things from insiders. It didn't take long before that whole scene struck me as an utter sham. The message would have been clearer if the benefits had gone to the survivors, instead of capitalizing on them just to make a fashion statement of himself...but then that's only typical of the double standards one is expected to live by for so-called social acceptability.

The irony is, he didn't even get the bit about karma right, and henceforth this inane western stigma that it should have something to do with retribution. I would have thought Maharishi Yogi taught them better than that, but then he wasn't exactly some half-starved fakir from the streets of Bombay either. Retribution is something better left to the Rudra, as Hinduism is not all love and light as some would like to believe, but sides with the trickster. Anyone who doesn't know this is likewise a sham, putting on the holier-than-thou, when really they are no less naïve sheeple, aspiring to be shepherd. Ah yes, how I remember that old turn-on and tune-in rhetoric, always telling me to drop out of things I wasn't even a part of, just a passing ship in the night. I didn't see the worth of even playing along with that futile paradox. The minions of the anti-establishment, just as mindless as the establishment. I felt no need to belong either way. I was considered an outcast, when actually I chose to be an outsider, but it makes no difference what you say to that old majority rule of “us versus them”. Third non-party non-partisanship is just too unfathomable to their brainwashed ideals of collective utopia, like who died and made them the god of destiny? Yes, I see you skulking around here on my activity feed. Have you nothing better to do with your life?

The History of Christianity as seen by a non-partisan

The Qumran caves were always a subterfuge for those trying to protect their heritage from the exploits of Greco-Roman occupation. So far 11 caves have been discovered to contain the scriptural Zeitgeist of this folk sealed up in various clay jars. Scrolls have also been recovered from the walls of their last stronghold in Masada, completing a history of at least three thousand years.

As far as Judaism is concerned, the Torah is essentially the five books of Moses. These histories revolve around the Babylonian exile and the struggle of the Israelites to be reunited as a nation of their own cultural heritage and law. However, this is also where fundamentalism descends into Zionism, when according to the original legend, Adam was not created of the earth from one place, but of the earth in general. Nonetheless, these early legends have been accounted for in the Dead Sea Scrolls with relative consistency until Alexander's conquest in 332 BCE. Texts following this period are predominantly written in ancient Greek with the obvious Ptolemaic and Seleucid influences, thus regarded as sectarian. This also includes those Aramaic texts mentioned by the Flavian elected high priest Josephus. They mark a period of civil unrest against a corrupt priesthood under Roman rule until the end of the Bar Kokhba uprisings in 136 CE. Typically, he blames much of Judea's misery on petty fanatics out to undermine the aristocracy, hence sees the Roman occupation as due retribution for having lost sight of the “prophecy”. He too would have liked to be seen as a messianic prophet of a new biblical age, but as an opportunist of the Roman regime, he was heeded as anything but. Rather, it was Greco-Roman scholars that latched onto his observations of what came to be regarded as a Christian movement. The problem of its veracity is that none of his original works can be found, and despite being quoted by various 3rd century scholars, copies date no earlier than the 11th century. On the other hand, what came to be interpreted as the New Testament were secular aspirations among so many others of the period and not necessarily representative of Essene practices. The Essenes were a sect that kept quite to themselves, far removed from public, let alone political involvements with other factions. Above all, the original prophecy defines the Messiah as an ordinary human born of Jewish patrilineage, and is traditionally ordained (anointed) as a leader who:

1. Builds the third temple(Ezekiel 37:26-28)

2. Gathers all the Jews back to the land of Israel (Isaiah 43:5-6)

3. Brings universal peace “Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall man learn war anymore." (Isaiah 2:4)

4. Brings universal knowledge of the God of Israel, which will unite humanity as one. As it says: "God will be King over all the world—on that day, God will be One and His Name will be One" (Zechariah 14:9).

What is meant by a false prophet is any attempt to change the original prophecy and its historical accounts, hence Judaism rejects the sectarian New Testament as impertinent to their cause.

The Old Testament says nothing of miracle working or rising from the dead being a messianic prerequisite. Simply because Moses performed miracles, did not necessarily make him a Messiah. Leading the Israelites out of Egyptian captivity was a miserable task fraught with dissent at every turn. Their generations had become too accustomed to the Egyptian way of life, expecting much the same wizardry from Moses, as demonstrated by its priests and god-kings. However, raised as the prodigal son of the Pharaoh, he knew all the parlor tricks. Even the Ark of Covenant bears an uncanny resemblance to Egyptian altar designs. Just the same, it is only typical that his following would resort to idolizing a golden calf to appeal their limited food supply. The blood bath that ensued to lay down the law, doesn't seem to stop until Moses dies upon finally seeing the “promised land” and that after 40 years of this drudgery.

Judaic beliefs are otherwise deeply rooted in the idea that divine intervention in the mortal world is more one of visionary experience than actual physical interaction, however this does not regard the physical as something rife with debauchery. Rather, like in Buddhism, ritual fasting and abstinence serves the purpose of achieving visionary focus. This is also known to involve mandala like formulas and geomantic layouts. Judaism rejects the idea of virgin birth because they see the divine as incorporeal, integral, eternal, above time and beyond space. To say god assumes human form is a diminution of divinity. Even the name Yahweh is unspeakable in that regard. Thus the Christian trinity of father, son and holy ghost can also only seem idolatry, say nothing of the countless saints or missionaries to deliver one's prayers. Rather, such ideas of gods breeding with mortals to make them their messengers are clearly Greco-Roman. This is what is really meant by the taboo “you shall have no gods before me” whereas conversely, Jesus is quoted as saying "No man cometh unto the Father but by me." In essence, Christianity seems so great a departure from its Hebraic roots that skeptics suspect its sources originated with the Mithraic mysteries; a Roman assimilation fashioned on the premise of ancient Persia being the root of all higher civilization. In fact, this ideology still doggedly persists in most western academic circles, despite all obvious fallacies raised by scientific evidence.

Now having said this, doesn't mean I side with either. Nor does having been raised non-denominational by atheistic parents compel me to religion bashing, let alone clinical views of human spirituality. To me it's more an observation of how spirituality based on ideals rather than real life experience is just a carrot on a stick. It has no regard for the individual's own sense of direction. Thus I find it wiser to trust my own instincts, than be misled by somebody else's promises of utopia.

I see much the same fallacy in Rosicrucianism and its spin offs such as the OGD, Thelema, and Wicca: much of their “magical ritual” a rip off of John Dee's Enochian styled Kabbalism and a whole hodge-podge of other assimilated Middle Eastern mysticisms to the tune of Mithras...and all that to justify the mysterious existence of some ancient secret witchcraft tradition? Is it not enough to simply be born with certain psychic talents? Does it have to have a profound connection to some all seeing/all knowing born and bred over generations by some supernatural master race in human disguise? It only makes me wonder what sort of megalomania motivates such outlandish compensations, or maybe they're really just sexually frustrated.

http://www.simpletoremember.com/articles/a/jewsandjesus/
http://www.deadseascrolls.org.il/learn-about-the-scrolls/introduction

I am not my brother's keeper

As the story goes, as now he's taken that final step over the edge, shown his true colours, but then I expected as much. Aside from having no real friends of his own, I have seen how he so obsessively turns a partnership into a prison of futile paradoxes that can only bring out the worst in anyone. I'm not really sure whether it's OCD, ADHD or just plain narcissism that compels something so pathological. As far as I'm concerned, I am sick to death of it and would rather be far fucking away, than have to cover the damages of his shear lack of responsible judgement. Try to confront him with this and his response is "you could have left home back in the 80's you had such a good income". How conveniently he forgets the mess his first marriage got us into and how much we had to pay for that fiasco. I remember only too well those fraudulent dialogues between him and his first wife, loud enough to jar me from my sleep. What he tried to make me out as to her was utterly gobsmacking, as if I was the one holding him hostage and trying to manipulate his life. I was too busy trying to dodge the ploys and entrapments of some MK-Ultra spooks who seriously had it in for us civilian employees. So what does this idiot do? He falls in love with the very servicewoman they send to harass me and drags her right into our home. Then he tells me I don't know what love is. Like WTF?! Needless to say, the months that followed she made sure were absolute hell, scheming ever new ways to pit us against each other. It came to a head when she slashed up my brother's artwork and told him I did it. Of course he believed her. My mother got fed up and moved into a flat in town. Then my father got hit by a motorcycle, as he crossed the street to pick up my brother from work. While he was in hospital, those two remorselessly trashed the place. Fortunately, one of my father's friends had come home with me to bear witness to this scenario. No sooner my father got home, he kicked them out on their asses. My mother moved back in and peace prevailed for a while. When the time came for his wife to return to Canada, he suddenly wasn't on the boarding list and his computer files had been mysteriously deleted. So guess who had to sort out that mess at the command level? I was only too glad when the community social officer escorted him onto that plane two weeks later, say nothing of the shit that followed, landing him in a Halifax hospital with some mystery disease. I just sighed my relief when she got out of the service and they settled with her family in Hamstead. At least once again peace prevailed in my life, or so I had hoped.

About a year later, it was one of those ominously perfect days when suddenly the phone rang. Somehow we knew it meant trouble. Sure enough it was him phoning from the train station in Offenburg. By all accounts he came pretty close to being lynched by her family, though I'm sure there's more to it than he would ever admit. At least one good thing, he had consulted with a psychologist, who also had her blood tested for drugs. The drug identified was one only authorized to the CA research council so the Psyche wasn't apt to make a testimony for fear of losing his license but he did expediate a legal separation for my brother on the grounds of her schizophrenia. In the meantime I had done away with the MK-Ultra spooks by having the Militärische Aussendienst notified. After two weeks investigation, suddenly about 50 people got a 48 hour deportation notice, no questions asked. I don't even think it ever occurred to these spooks that they were violating the Geneva Convention regardless whose citizens we happened to be.  The ten years to follow went far more peaceably with just the usual petty bureaucratic rivalries until the gov't shut down CFE once and for all. My brother continued to have his woman issues, like those two twats who got robbed in Spain, and then came his marriage to Susan on the whim it was going to secure his German citizenship. Unfortunately his living 30 km away from us was not far enough to prevent his perpetual scrounging, for a new car, back payments on his rent, electric bill, and countless other ends he couldn't meet and that aside the thousands he owed the bank. Yet despite the tremendous drain on every financial security we tried to maintain for serious emergencies, he still persisted. It was always all about him and nobody else, the old pity party come-on only to stab us in the backs once he had the goods.

Then my time with Zehnacker ended in 2001 when they lost the contract in Emmendingen. It was hard enough trying to find a job without running up against all the enemies my father made and all those drunken phone calls by Susan to every firm I tried to apply to. My father formed a new legion and of course stuck me with running it under the threat of kicking me out on the street if I didn't comply. "Don't you miss the Canadians?" No I don't, not this lot of cling-ons and their damaged families trying to drag down everyone with them for a few euros more to relive the stigma. The relentless phone calls of "where's your father?" like I should be privy to anything he was up to. That much my brother and his father had in common, always secretly dumping their personal baggage on you only to do a runner to avoid accountability. The job market was steadily drying up leaving only the worst possible employers. I tried my luck at a couple of local inns to no avail. It landed me with lower back problems that affected my leg coordination, and the next thing I knew I lost my footing on some cobble and shattered my ankle. Three months I was stuck on crutches with no one to help me, so I had to crawl around on my knees to get my shit done. My father was always away on legion business while my mother was always on the rampage leaving me to answer to the police whenever shit happened. As for my brother, he only drove me insofar as have me pay for his tank of gas, and that despite all the money "borrowed" that he never paid back. As fate would have it, I was scarcely off those crutches a week when my father had a stroke while opening a new legion in Holland. Do these people take him to a hospital or call his ADAC for an emergency airlift? No, they take him to me and tell me to deal with it. Like WTF?!

Well I called our family doctor to get the Red Cross and notify the stroke unit, and his friend Reg and I followed the ambulance there. He was still speakable at the time but the specialist told me it could worsen in the next 48 hours...and that it did. When I got back to him, they had moved him to neurology. Nobody notified me and I found him vegetating, unable to speak, half of his brain gone in a subsequent aneurysm. Again they didn't notify me of his transfer to the clinic in Elzach way up in the Black Forest behind Freiburg. They expected me to come every day, and seeing the state my mother was in, insisted I was legal tender by state law, despite having no car. Fortunately my BF stepped in, told them off and agreed to drive me there once a week. He knew the problem well, being himself stuck with caring for his mother and her sister because of his nursing profession, while employment was trying to saddle him with 1 euro jobs.

With all our hopes of an independent future dashed, The BF and I soon learned that we were not alone, but others of our generation are stuck in the same futile dilemma, while the gov't introducing the euro without consensus, swallowed what was left of our nest eggs. As my brother so irreverently calls, "living off the state" is actually the opposite, namely running us into poverty so the nanny state can dictate what we get or don't. It would never occur to him what it would cost to stick his mother in a nursing home, until he gets the bill, insolvency or not. There's just no way around it. When my father died, the woman at the family court implied it should be my brother's responsibility to care for my mother. I only shook my head as she had no idea that it would be like expecting a wolf to look after sheep. It was bad enough when I got back from the hospital after a heart attack/anaphylactic seizure last summer to find the place in a horrible mess, and my mother's bed sores in such a state, only now they are finally beginning to heal. And this is aside my own lack of clothes or amenities when I got out of intensive care. Funny though he wasn't too busy to spout his BS on my computer to his two-faced FB friends about such unforeseen burdens in his life, day in and day out. I warned him about his bogus "poor me" episodes on FB, and as I might expect he couldn't resist the urge to do it again instead of dealing with the real problems in his own life, responsibly. This time he made that fatal move of blocking me on FB to persist in this stupid sham, assuming there's nothing I can do about it. Well, think again you self-righteous asshole, you have taken a course of action that makes my decisions at this point only too easy, and believe me, they don't include you, no matter what your excuse. You need money? Go ask your wonderful FB friends. Don't even dream of dumping your wife on me without the police being up your ass. I am so done with you.  

Space Invaders

People saying what they are or aren't is not necessarily an argument against it, especially if you travel to other countries a lot, but seems to become necessary these days when dealing with people who not only expect you to be like-minded, but given a captive audience like Facebook, will practically bury you in it regardless how far removed from the reality you actually live in. This is why I find sites like "Sodahead" and "Patheos" very disturbing. In all their single-minded efforts to assume globality, their view of the world is so far removed, it's like an alien invasion.

Sure, I can think of more creative things than split hairs over that idiotic "what makes you think you're so different". It's just another form of xenophobia towards anything that doesn't fit that Disneyland ideal...but then the culture shock is priceless the minute they step off that plane in Frankfurt. I remember that on the train back from Vienna, I was enjoying a schnapps and a smoke with a rather lively old lady heading for Munich. We were having a good laugh telling stories when a couple of starry-eyed evangelists from California walked in and stared at us like we suddenly had seven heads. Clearly they had just come from the passion play in Oberammergau and were about to ask us not to smoke, when my host protested loudly in her native German, pointing to the "Smoking" symbol- that there be no mistake which country they were in. Of course they fled the scene in an instant. I had to change trains in Munich, so our ways parted there. I had a half an hour so I headed to the kiosk for a herring bun, when suddenly some lost muppet intercepted me, asking me if I could speak English, in a rather demanding voice as she grabbed my arm. She was heading to Heidelberg and wasn't interested in going to the information office for directions. She insisted I read the schedule and take her to the track where the appropriate train would arrive. This was on the same platform as my own connection, so I thought, oh well if that's all she's asking. Family was expecting me in Offenburg within a specific time and these were the days before mobile phones. She had little to say for herself other than being a foreign student in Heidelberg University. She was assuming from my English that I was a fellow American, but to convince her otherwise, clearly required more personal information than I was willing or even allowed to give just anyone. This was after the time the American general Rogers had tried to blackball Kiesling with false accusations of closet homosexuality, and who knows who's kid this was.

This sort of scapegoating is rarely effective in mainland Europe. First of all, what people do in private here is not up for public scrutiny unless it violates the criminal code.  Secondly, Kiesling wasn't gay. He simply chose a career instead of family life because it really is difficult to maintain both in a military environment. I'm sure anyone who grew up in one can see that. Needless to say, the allegations only made everyone suspicious of what Rogers was trying to hide in the name of "national security". Yes, he was notorious for that, like so many others before him.

 When my train came she tried to stop me from boarding. She had this strange idea that it should be my duty to escort her to Heidelberg. Failing this she tried to tell me it was the only "Christian thing to do". That's when I leered at her, and yanking myself from her clutches, bolted through the open door in an instant. She went into a tirade, like making a scene was going to change anything. Normally people do come to your aid when you appear to be in distress, but her overweening behaviour had everyone avoiding her like the plague. The conductor must have gathered this as he secured the door behind me, shaking his head. Brandishing a cheesy grin at her through the window I waved as the train proceeded away. I could see she was on her best way to getting reported to the station police. My brother had a similar experience in Frankfurt waiting for the train, so it's not as if this was some mere isolated incident.

...and there it was gone.

Despite all that hullabaloo over Atwill's Covert Messiah, suddenly nobody's talking about whatever happened at Conway Hall that day, not even the slightest press review, nada. So, either nothing happened, or somebody took all the discrete legal measures to protect their interests (albeit Atwill or the CoE)...and even if there was any evidence in the form of actual documents, he certainly wouldn't have legal rights over them. Indeed, such circumstances alone could easily fuel another Dan Brown tale of millennial conspiracy, but if there's anything that really annoys me, it's the word "controversial". It means opposite sides of the same useless argument, neither of which has any relevance to the actual cause of the problem in the first place. Looking at human history as a whole, it takes no special powers to realize that all great empires were built on deception and emotional blackmail. Thus, whatever the Council of Nicea had in mind with their sloppy Greek translations and blatant censorships, making sacrilege of others to fit some greater utopia was always their venue. Not even the Greeks were spared in this endeavour. As for the "Messiah", how many Christians even know the actual meaning of the Hebraic word? I may be a heathen, but I did have one teacher of biblical history in my elementary years and ironically, she was from Jerusalem. I was free to chose whether I wanted to learn it or not. Indeed, learning of the Qumran scrolls proved highly revealing, and this back in 1964, while everyone else was too busy attending church.

http://www.simpletoremember.com/articles/a/jewsandjesus/

Now having said this, some pagans will no doubt wonder where I'm coming from. My concerns are not so much about faith, rather, cultural heritage, hence; any folk that has to strip away the misconceptions to recall the experiences and lessons of their ancestors. While learning from foreign cultures brings innovation, it is always a question of ethics in how that connection is made. Not knowing your roots has a way of raising spirits that will haunt you until you make that connection properly.  As far as I'm concerned, denying a folk this possibility is akin to holding their soul hostage. Is it any surprise how many troubled souls there are in this day and age? Many are so damaged, they will never recover. Either way, however, I do not believe in utopia, nor the nihilistic rantings of frontal lobe disorders, but the different little dynamic changes that maintain the continuity of whole.

Nobody Expects the Playgan Inquisition

Aside from the self-proclaimed "experts" of Llewellyn press, we get the odd trolls from a certain American multifaith hub trying to push their credo on us like some god-sent vulcan thought police. Bring up topics like Atwill's "Covert Messiah", and we get slated as Christian bashers before the goods even hit the podium of Conway Hall. Kinda jumping the gun, aren't you Spanky? Yeah go bury your head in the sand, whining about how we should just focus on paganism while you're trying to tell us Jesus was a wiccan. Oh really? Lemme guess...he must have been the one Gardner met in the New Forest under the pale moonlight...yes, we all come from the godass- Holy Crap Batman! I have to agree with your religious contenders that you are just another tokenistic fashion statement, fantasizing cult fandom by playing mythical gods like a game of pokemon. I mean hell, you're such an icon of virtue, you have to ask for donations to go to a Pantheacon just 12 minutes away.

How Hucksters Profess Wicca to be an Ancient Secret Tradition

The usual excuse is that Wicca draws its “secret” knowledge from the Orto Templi Orientis and/or its alleged masonic roots. What they do not tell you is that the O.T.O. is Rosicrucian, thus its adherents not allowed to join a “regular” Lodge, no matter how much they may “borrow” from masonic practices. These are two entirely different cups of tea, one about sacred geometry, the other about hermeticism. In the late Victorian Age, when technology made world travel much easier for the common man, there were all kinds of secret societies, full of eccentrics and adventurers looking for some rich bastard to sponsor their wildest dreams of avarice- Samuel Liddell Mathers, his prodigy Edward Alexander Crowley, and his ally Alphonse Louis Constant (notice I removed the bogus names) no exception. That was the popular trend of the times. The truth is that neither Crowley nor Gardner ever got accepted into a regular Masonic lodge, Ancient Scottish rite or otherwise. Constant (Eliphas Levi) had studied to be Jesuit priest until he came across the grimoires, which sparked his interest in Hermeticism. The only Freemason was Mathers but he had to give it up when he joined the OGD and that is where he translated the Key of Solomon.

The problem with all this aspiring to be a pagan witchcraft tradition is the biblical assumption of ancient Babylon as the root of all human civilization. Too bad that DNA studies and recent archaeological findings in Anatolia and the lower Danube prove otherwise, but then the favourite argument against that is that “there are no scientific proofs, just opinions”. Conversely, any lack of “written evidence” tries to imply that either countless inquisitions and witch persecutions destroyed it, or that it was simply too primitive to qualify as anything intellectually challenging. Ironically, the witch craze of plague ridden Europe, was not so much suspicious of pagan folk practices as it was of close knit Jewish communities. Like most Christians even the mystics took the Levant for rife in black magic ever since the Crusades. Necromantic tales like Lilith and the Witch of Endor appealed to their darkest fantasies...and so the whole popular misconception of what defines a witch, was born. Despite all this, pagan folk practices simply carried on under the veneer of Catholicism, masking over the old spirits, their sacred places and feasts, with the trinity and names of saints. In feudal times they did not have the privilege of literacy, so much of their knowledge remained an oral tradition. It also preserved the identity of clans and craftsmen. Gardner tried to bridge this historical gap by alleging having met such a group in the New Forest. He liked to invent his own folk-legends, drawing on a Scottish heritage he never had. This was also a popular trend among latter day eccentrics and adventurers. Oh the ever so mysterious Celtic race! They will tell you little is known about them because they didn't write it down. Heaven forbid ever mentioning that Scots Gaelic is in any way Germanic.

Folk magic bears no resemblance to hermeticism. It is agrarian, arboreal, not a temple craft. Its roots are tribal and lives on in the sacred groves and springs of clans that have been around for countless generations. Their paleolithic roots were not matriarchal as Margaret Murray tries to suggest. Like with most tribal societies, men and women generally had each their own discrete secular circles. “Venus” figures were not alone among phallic symbols. While churches were built on ancient mounds and circles in the course of Christianization, they still remain portals to the otherworldly. This is why the Christian taboo of the widdershins walk around churches. On the other hand, people raised on strict Christian academia tend to poo-poo folk magic as primitive superstition, yet regard temple/ceremonial craft as summoning such cosmic potential, the power trip simply appeals to a lust that the frugalities of evangelism cannot satisfy. No surprise that figures like Crowley and Gardner had quite a reputation of sexual profligacy.

So if you are privy to certain hereditary psychic skills, do you really need the label “Wicca” to justify it? Even if you apply it to the systems suggested by these people, it does not make Wicca a hereditary craft, let alone an ancient tradition. Give or take, most natural talents prefer to be solitary because they can't be arsed by individuals who aspire to confuse the issue with too much hierarchical role play for supremacy. It's the difference between lateral and vertical development in dispensing one's creative juices, thus why most Hedgewitches are women. Is it matriarchy, partriarchy or just plain natural order at work? Think about it.

A New Lease on Life

Back on June the 3rd of this year all the aggravation I ever endured in life, finally hit me in one grand slam. It wasn't just a heart attack, but my lymph system utterly went into anaphylactic overload with a massive side effect of pneumonic angina. Thanks to some excellent local cardiologists, I actually survived it, and haven't felt this good in years. The BF was there and told me I nearly bit the big one, but I assured him there was no tunnel of light or dead relatives, so it obviously wasn't gonna happen, though I could see shit happening on the horizon. The irony is, I even managed to wake myself out of a synthetic coma, which had the cardiologist freaking out all over the lab. My  inner schweinehund just wanted to have a see if they got a handle on the problem. LOL

Well, since then I've been in and out of clinics doing the routine the state medical services expect of their citizens. This brought me to a place called Bad Krozingen, a town totally geared to medical rehabilitation but not much else. I had left my mother in some geriatric home for temporary care, especially after finding things in such a state when I got home from the hospital. Some people just don't know the meaning of criminal negligence and the last thing you need recovering from a heart attack is a shitload of drama from the domestically inept. Nonetheless, it didn't stop that stupid woman from the TCW calling me up on my mobile for my mother's medical card after I explicitly told her I wouldn't be around to handle it, that she'd have to go there and fetch it herself. She did this three times, threatening to bill me the full amount for whatever. I told her, her threats were futile because I was not about to break off my rehab just because she can't coordinate her paper chase with the parties responsible.

While the clinic itself was excellent and the kitchen staff took real care not to feed me anything I would take an allergic reaction to, too many of the patients were a right pain in the ass. Most of these people were behaving like teens at a holiday park, getting ridiculously drunk only to wind up leaving in a far worse state than they arrived in. Clearly a whole lot of self inflicted that brought them there in the first place. I also don't imagine all that alcohol goes well with such strong meds. It's times like these, where you come to realize that maybe you're not so fucked up as the rest after all. That, in itself is therapy for sure.

The way I see it, the real problem began when I shattered my ankle in June of 2003. I knew all those damned Heparin shots and the thrombosis socks were doing me no justice. This is the problem with the lack of individual specific treatments. With my tendency to lymphatic swellings, it should have been obvious to these plods that there would be long term side effects. I had barely got off of those crutches when my father took a severe stroke. I was supposed to have the wires and pins removed from my ankle but that got delayed practically a year. Thus for all the lack of aerobic movement the fatty acids simply backed up until I gradually began to suffocate in my own fluids. Now I'm all the wiser, though it seems I've had more luck than brains lately.

Divination

Preacher, Heal thyself

Whatever compels the dogmatic following of Eliphas Levi and Aleister Crowley, seems to come from a  rather draconian religious pathos. Anyone who grew up in reasonably egalitarian conditions is apt to find that whole circus just as abjectly oppressive as any other elitist/supremacist hierarchy. So spare me with that "Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the Law, Love is the Love Under Will." You sound like a sexually abused  altar boy looking for retribution through much the same persecution.  If you don't like my avatar because you think it depicts some fairy at my command, it only raises the question of what you hope to achieve by making such a premise rudely public. What makes you think that a Celto-German would even present a wight in this way, let alone what you assume to be superhuman powers? What makes you think your standards are even pertinent to anything outside its own socio-political borders? Say nothing of that old scapegoating "holier than thou" as if it's really going to put your credibility above all the rest. Perhaps you should worry more about what your avatar is trying to allude, with all its makeshift ceremonial robes, assuming postures of authority. After all, this is what your discourse is really all about. Mine is only a satire on photographic effects, as my profession happens to be graphic designer, and not some Hollywood ideal of a fortune teller/medium.

Thoréal